art retreat after-effects
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 12:55AM 
manzinita, oregon (the setting for the be present retreats). polaroid 779 film
Its been months since I was there yet the after-effects of the art retreats I attended this fall are still manifesting.
It was hard to explain them at the time. Any way that I tried to describe them just felt like it minimized how powerful 4 days making art with complete strangers can be. Was it like art camp? Yes, but more than that. Was it the community I found through it? Oh definitely Yes, but it was the workshops too.
Its almost daily that I think of an activity we did or something that I learned and how that experience can be reflected onto other parts of my life.
One big aha moment for me was at the Be Present Retreat, during Kelly Rae’s mixed media class. We’d been working on collaging our canvases, creating a background for the painting that was going to occur on top of it. I loved my collaged background. It was just downright purdy. The time soon came to begin painting over it and I felt this wave of uncomfort come over me. Really, did I have to? Couldn’t I just stay here where I’m safe and happy? Um, no.
So I painted over it. Kelly Rae encouraged us to just keep painting, working on being unattached. If there was a spot we loved, all the more reason to paint over it and see what could come of it. We worked on our backgrounds and worked on painting our people on top of it.
The whole time I just felt awkward. Kelly Rae called this the “ugly phase” and encouraged us to work through the ugly stage and trust we'd make something beautiful.
So I pushed through it, and honestly, it felt like I remained in the ugly phase, feeling really frustrated with my piece until 10 minutes before the end of the workshop. Finally, after a whole day, there it was. Something beautiful.
That’s always been the really hard part for me with painting, is that I give up before I get through the ugly stage and just conclude I’m no good at it. The range of emotions in that day, all based around two small canvases, was rich and deep with learning that has since affected my paradigm.
I’ve had so many realizations since then about the ugly phase, or the awkward phase as I seem to prefer to call it when in reference to my life.
This fall, learning to use the darkroom was a great way that this lesson allowed me to find some compassion towards myself. I spent August until December taking darkroom classes at the college where I’m working on a photography diploma. The process of learning the darkroom was full of awkwardness, referring to my notes every minute or so, screwing up a lot (on very expensive paper), causing a mini-flood, asking the same question over and over. It just felt downright messy. It wasn’t until late November that I finally found myself becoming more intuitive with the process. It was finally soaking in. That’s when I realized that once again, I’d finally made it through the awkward phase (after 4 months of awkwardness!!!).
Thinking about learning or life experiences in this way makes me feel much more compassionate towards rough times in my life or times when I didn't feel very confident. Actually, I’ve also concluded that my 20’s were one big awkward phase and somehow that just makes me feel less sad about some of the choices I made, as those rough patches have pushed me through towards a life that that feels really beautiful.
The after-effects of one day of painting, or one activity we did for one hour or the bravery it took for all of us to show up at that retreat still reverberates. With a year ahead with lots of costs that will likely keep me a much closer to home (like impending vet bills and the fact that I have yet to buy a new post-robbery computer) I’m so thankful that it feels like 4 days on the Oregon Coast or a week in the woods of New Hampshire have their ways of whispering lessons to me now and again that keep these experiences enriching my life beyond the experience itself.
***Um, and did you know there's a crazy beautiful Be Present Retreat with the wonderful Andrea "Hula" Jenkins, Stephanie Lee and Alicia Paulson happening in March? Dreamy, eh!***
Reader Comments (3)
Vivienne, I love how you have described this. The retreat planted seeds in all of us, some of which sprouted right away and some of which were dormant for a while and are just now starting to show their tender faces. For me it was a slow progression. I very cautiously and tentatively started blogging, only because of the gentle nudging of other retreaters. The relationships we established were not short-term flash-in-the-pan, but have continued to blossom and I'm just now feeling the confidence to move forward and plan my own retreat. Never in a million years would have thought this would happen if I hadn't been there....
ahhh, how beautifully written. I too think I quit in the middle of the "ugly phase" and never get to see the beauty...it's interesting to look at it all with that perspective. thank for opening my eyes gently.
xo
vivienne...
i loved this post. it brought back such wonderful memories of sitting across from you, watching you pick and choose what you would put on your canvas. watching you take it outside to photograph it in the natural light. the sheer delight you had of adding that little bunny, peeking over your happy boy's shoulder. it was one of my favorite days ever. you made it wonderful for me.
thank you for sharing this post.
much love to you.
chrissy