it was like one of those audible sighs in a yoga class where you exhale everything you've got and then start fresh with a new breath.  it felt like that.

i can't tell you exactly why.  the previous day found me with a flood in my house, cursing august {which has been a bit of a rough month for me}.  my place has flooded once before and though this one was worse, thankfully there was no major and lasting damage.  it was the rainiest day in 5 years here, and i guess my home just wasn't able to hold it all at bay anymore.  i can relate to that feeling.

but the rainiest day gave way to a gentle sunny one and i found myself having an unexpectedly beautiful day. i'm working full time as well as working every other waking moment on wedding work, so a productive day and then a photo walk gave way to the type of authentic blissed out smile (above) that i haven't seen myself give the camera for a while.

i'm excited for september and all its potential.  i foresee lots of slowing down.  getting cozy.  getting back to my running and dancing classes.  diving back into projects that have been on hold for august.  a trip to this amazing event {i think there may be a few spots left if you're interested in joining us}. and a few family photo sessions.  

and a whole lot more deep breaths.  

one of the many things i love about photography is that there is a constant cycle of learning.  whether it is a different type of film, camera, lens, digital or analog i regularly feel like a beginner then get to dive into learning something and come out feeling confident in understanding it only to try something new and feel like a beginner again.

with polaroid film each type of film invites you to tell a story in a different way.  sure, the basics are the same but each speaks in different tones and asks you to look at your subject in a new way.  with each toy camera i try its a whole new world, some of which i'm nowhere near mastering.  being able to gain confidence while retaining 'beginners mind' seems like such a good creative balance to me.

this was most clear last year when i started taking darkroom classes and started to shoot in black and white. when i developed my first few rolls it was oh so clear that i wasn't getting it.  photographically, i saw things in colour.  it was challenging and exciting to try to shift that to pay more attention to contrast, light and shadow and shades of grey.  

i think that is why i'm so entranced by photography.  the learning feels endless.

some of it is looking to the past at film photography and it feels like there is such a rich history of photography to explore (and that i've only touched the surface) while at the same time there are constantly new seriously creative advancements in digital photography.

so, one of my newest toys isn't officially a camera, but is in fact my iphone.  i must confess i probably would have been able to avoid getting such a fancy phone had it not been for the awesome camera capabilities but after a half a year of resisting i finally just went for it.

and i'm thrown back to when i first discovered i liked taking photographs, when all i had was my old camera phone.  i often carry my big camera or a polaroid with me everywhere, and the poor things are sitting on the shelf much more but its so very nice to have so much photo potential in such a little thing.

this week i've been exploring doing self-portraits with it, downloading a free app to allow me to step away from the camera and be able to take photos with it beyond arms reach. 

here's a glimpse into what my phone is capturing on my travels and these days:

food made from fresh green veggies

running

getting lost in the movement of a dance class

deep divine sleep

these are the things i'm diving into right now to get grounded and thankfully they are working.

yesterday's run and then a night of very restorative sleep has me feeling like a new lady. how come its so easy to forget the little things that bring us back to ourselves?

what gets you grounded, unstuck, unstressed or gets you rooted back into yourself?

a lot of my self-portraits pull out the whimsy in me, the joyful little girl wide eyed to the world.  those photos teach me so much and bring out a part of me that needs honouring.

but it is the truthful as well as the shiny moments that need honouring. its often those moments when i think it is most powerful to aim a camera at one's self, to look the camera right in the eye.  it feels like an asking to be witnessed, and a witnessing.

the last few days i've been trying to take more selfies.  some walking towards whimsy, some looking myself in the eye and others just documenting where i am.

and how are you?

suitcases {taken with PX100 polaroid film}, caroline's collection {taken with expired 600 film}

Sweet Darkness  By David Whyte

When you eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize it own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

rowboat photoshoot... taken from a kayak

i had been hoping this month to manifest some sort of superpowers of multi-tasking and productivity, to be able to shoot and process weddings, travel across the country and back, connect with family and friends AND launch a big project all at the same time.

it appears superpower manifestation is harder than i thought.

alas, i'm only human.  feeling acutely so these days. 

i've been home for a few days now and am only just starting to feel like i'm returning to myself.  this year has involved a whole lot of travelling and i'm learning how much i do need that but also that i need to keep rooted in the simplicity of being home.  i lost track of all things me when caught up this past adventure.  i wasn't sure how long it would take to start feeling settled into myself again so i'm glad that is already beginning.  

its good to be home.

i'm in the land of minimal internet access at the moment but have come to the next town over to a little cafe to connect!

i had a gorgeous weekend in winnipeg shooting a wedding (beautiful ceremony and an epic dance party and my first time doing a photo-booth at the reception...such a hoot). most of the above photos are from my wanderings in winnipeg. that city totally exceeded my expectations and it was so fabulous to be in the company of vancouver friends outside of our normal context.

i definitely took on way way way too much this month. 3 weddings, lots of travel and writing/launching a big project...lets just say i'm more than a bit overwhelmed. but doing my best to gather myself and get back into focus.

and how does this day find you?

it was truly incredible to shoot this gorgeous wedding last weekend.  with a "carnival of love" theme it really was everything i could have imagined it was and more....a stilt-walker, fortune teller, candy galore, face painting, hula hooping... and the bride and groom taking the stage as the ringmaster and the mermaid.

more about the carnival once i get the photos to the lovely couple...so excited to share them all, especially the polaroids!

being on gabriola island this past weekend, in a little cabin of my own with just a cot and a bug net. well, it sparked something in me.  it happens when i go to the country...it just feels like home. i fell asleep listening to the water hit the shore and smelling the cedar of the cabin.

the next morning i woke up, opened my door and there was a deer looking at me.  no picture of that moment.  it felt like one that i just needed to live.

i'm a country girl trying to live in the city, swooned by the art, culture and diversity of the city but living in a bit of a constant state of overwhelm.

then when i go to the country its as though my heart just pumps "home, home, home" and my mind kindly says "you forgot, didn't you".  

for now the city is where i am, its where i make my living and have a sweet little place to live.  it is my now. but the idea of living in a sweet cabin in the country has now taken residence in my thoughts, once again.

someday...

the voice in this video might be familiar if you've seen this video (if not, you should definitely watch it too) as it is the east coast poet (and former fellow vancouverite) Tanya Davis and the video is by Andrea Dorfman who's youtube channel is so packed full of beautiful work.

more on the carnival of love later and the beauty of two people who've found each other, but first...

here's their incredible video, which is kind of a lot like my life right now, not really intentionally...yet in the space where loneliness resided its been a sometimes awkward journey to learn how to fill it up myself.  like the line in the video "lonely is healing if you make it" i know it to be true.  whether its big healing of deep loneliness or just taking ourselves out for tea...this video makes me stand taller in the beauty of spending time alone.